As the last few days of November 2018 linger, so too do the vestiges of a hypnotic sadness that pounced on me of nowhere like a tiger. It must have been stalking me from afar.
I didn’t think I was so depressed.
I mean my life is not the book that I so far envisioned, but the depth of depression evidently well nestled is startling.
Everything in my life suddenly grew tedious. I looked at everything and everyone with disdain and utter indifference.
I didn’t want to do anything except to lay in bed ALL DAY and NIGHT, hidden under the covers, pretending I didn’t exist, that the situations around me weren’t real, that everything would disappear.
Well I’m still waiting.
I distanced myself from close friends, stopped regular activities, I couldn’t write, didn’t want to, didn’t feel to do anything and I didn’t.
Even a brief tropical island getaway hosted by a friend didn’t solve it.
I was happy to go, thinking, “YES! This is exactly what the doctor ordered to get me back on track. I’ll be back home all rejuvenated and shit.”
I went and was having a pretty great time up until I found myself at the beach, by a bar, sipping on an assortment of cocktails suddenly crying my heart out.
Like bloody hell!
Who turned on the tap. One minute I’m talking and laughing then… I’m a mess.
I let the tears flow, I couldn’t stop it if I tried.
And though it was obvious and strangers saw I didn’t care.
I took my sad self down to the sea and let the waves wash me free.
I didn’t fuss or fight, I let nature divine do with me as it pleased. Thankfully I didn’t drown.
And with my flip-flops gone, sand all up my butt, hair and yup vagina too I smiled, I looked up at the blue sky and sailing clouds and laughed aloud, out there, alone in the frothy, raging waves.
A tension disappeared.
And you know what?!
I felt better.
Two weeks later back home.
I’m still depressed but not as depressed.
I can only hope that the threads that still cling to me drift off into the wind.
I’ve made it at last to the grocery, no more bare cupboards and fast food.
Small steps, breathe, pause…
Depression is real.
If you haven’t heard from a friend in more than a bit, CALL!
Sometimes just knowing there’ s someone out there who thinks about you, who wants to make sure you’re all right can shift a frown upside down.
UPDATE: Listen to this Strength to be Human Podcast by Mark Antony Rossi which also touches on depression.
Copyright by Danielle Martin
Featured photos by Engin Akyurt and GoaShape on Pexels.